contacting misa had been a deliberate choice. not because he thinks she's stupid, or that he'd expect her to act against the kenoma's interests; but because he does know her heart. he does understand her. and, in a weird way, that means he extends some faint kind of trust to her. expecting anything more detailed than this answer would've been a fool's errand. but she doesn't play games with him, and she doesn't lie to him. she isn't lording the information over his head. this is as much as he could've asked for.
what do you think? — she's right, he does know. and it's terrible to think of abel and himeka alone in achamoth, pain being inflicted on them, but he can't help a faint spark of hope that they're alive. that they haven't been turned to the shadow, not that those two of all people would. (that the regent has limits in their ability to break people to their will.)
the next thing she says is troubling, in different ways. so she saw some of it? so their capture isn't a secret, which he hadn't imagined it would be, but there is...something. it's not just that abel and himeka were taken directly to the depths of some dungeon and left there. (or if they were, does he think misa would go visit them? he doesn't think he does. she'd only gone to see him out of necessity, and that'd been some distance from the regent's eyes.) but also: if she saw anything, then maybe they really are in achamoth, not carted off to light knows what secret place. what a complication that would've been. ]
I remember you telling me that Abel is your friend.[ back in venera, what's already starting to feel like a lifetime ago. this could sound like an accusation, but his tone is more like that conversation they'd had in his cell: just two people talking about how fundamentally different their choices in this world is. ]But...that's not more important to you than saving the person you love. Is that right?
[ He'll feel a twinge from her side of the communion, unbidden - the single pluck of a heartstring, dimmed by their lack of a shared Legacy, at the mention of Abel. At this point in time, she still hasn't been able to overcome the sense of grief and dread she felt when she first laid eyes on the pair in the Citadel, as she continues to struggle with the act of letting go and severing their connection entirely as she knows she should. As she knows she must. The weight of knowing she must make an appearance at the showing, must prove that she can withstand this kind of thing and not falter, hangs oppressively over her head.
Perhaps it's better that it was Abel and Himeka first, the two who had shared anything they had with her, before any of them knew what was going on. The others after this might not seem so bad. ]
That's right. Not anything.
[ A beat. ]
Not anyone.
But even then... if things went my way, they wouldn't be like this.
[ How they would be, she doesn't answer. Maybe Rand can pretend for a moment that she means that Abel and Himeka wouldn't be harmed at all, and that might be a point in her favor. But rather, the reason she doesn't clarify is because she truly, and honestly, would rather they were dead. It's what her initial, kneejerk solution was for all the Pleroma, when she first learned of this conflict. Wipe them all out, and their problems would disappear, right? But things aren't ever so simple, she's found. Despite all the blood on her hands, she sees little reason to make someone suffer the way they are, unless it's to get information, or perhaps to strike fear into other Pleroma. Other Kenoma, to keep them from defecting? Whatever the reason, she can accept it if it's the Regent's doing, though it doesn't mean it'd be her go to strategy. ]
I really did tell him to stay out of things. Because he'd get hurt... and because he was my friend. [ Past tense. A pause. ] I guess there's no point in telling you that, though.
[ Unlike with Abel, she has a sense for what lengths Rand is willing to go. Telling him how certain he is to get the same fate as Abel if he keeps swimming against the current would probably only embolden him more to challenge those in Achamoth. ]
[ it'd be so much easier if the kenoma were just villains.
but instead, despite misa's avowals for the regent's goals, their methods — avowals she means — she still feels something for the people she'd called friends. whatever is happening, whatever it is that she refuses to do anything about, she hasn't forgotten kindness that she was shown.
(must've been, if he knows anything of abel or himeka.)
and in a way, maybe that's not surprising. when it had been rand about to be taken to achamoth, she'd come and sit and commiserated with him. she'd offered friendship. she'd offered understanding at their differences — and their similarities. so he should've expected this. in another life, maybe they really could've been friends.
he wishes, agonizingly, that he could ask her to pass on a message. but who knows if she has access to abel and himeka anymore? and what could he possibly say? what doesn't risk the plans that are starting to be built? and what would misa really be willing to risk herself, her regent's interests, by going to share, anyway?
no. ]
I believe you.
[ that she wouldn't do this, if it were up to her. that she'd warned abel in that way. that she'd cared, or used to. ]
Before this, when we were still at that prison in Godsblood, I told Amos something. I said that if you wanted me to stop, you'd have to kill me. He didn't believe me.[ a pause. ]But I think you do.
[ Yeah, she gets it. There are some things in life worth dying for, especially when you've had the chance nearly taken away from you before. For people like them, it's not so hard, to throw your life away into the maw of something bigger, something potentially life changing. She's sure he thinks he's dedicating his life to something that'll make a difference. It's how she feels, after all.
There's an audible sigh. One of them is going to end up dead at the end of this conflict, huh? Or maybe they both will. Maybe they were always both supposed to die here, on Horos. ]
I guess that means you'll be chasing your death sooner rather than later, huh? You're still not very good at hiding things.
[ Because she can catch his drift; maybe he only meant it as a way of saying that there was no point in Misa trying to tell him to stay out of the Regent's way. But to her, given what she saw at the Regent's address, knowing that he would probably stop at nothing to get back at the Kenoma for this, in whatever way he can, it just seems impossible that he's not going to retaliate. Maybe it'll be him taking out more Achamite guards, or seeking out other Kenoma. Maybe he means to come right to Achamoth's front door. She doesn't know the exact way, but she knows he'll make himself a direct enemy to her one day, based on his tone alone. And with the reason he started this connection hanging right over them, she thinks it won't be very far off at all. ]
he wants to settle this score so badly that it's like physical pain. there's no universe in which he hears about people he cares about being taken and hurt (in the light only knows what ways), and does nothing. he'd care if it was anyone from the pleroma, but how can he not when it's abel (i'm afraid you're stuck with me) and himeka (we don't leave our friends behind)?
let misa wonder what he might do. let them keep their eyes on him, if it'll give the rest of them a better chance to do what must be done. ]
I don't have to chase something that's always with me.
[ the Power is always close at hand, and with it the dark one's corruption, the darkness that'll kill him if nothing else gets there first. ]
And I don't have much to hide from you anymore.
[ not on the personal level. she knows too much for him to lie about his most basic nature, even if she's missing a lot of the details. she understands implicitly; and so does he. the only information really worth withholding from her is what he, a pleroma, could never tell her, a kenoma. a distinction as wide and impassable as the ocean. ]
[ Misa sighs, even more heavily than she had moments before through their connection, and for once? She actually sounds worn down. A shell of her usual upbeat and energetic self. All this conversation has done is convince her that she's been right to try to quash her connection to Abel and Himeka— because she needs to do so with Rand, too, right? Things will only get messier if she doesn't. If he's going to be so forthcoming about his impending opposition, well, then, she can too.
It's just... exhausting. Returning to the thoughts that the Kenoma instill in her— everything will end — come closer and closer to being comforts at times like these. ]
So you only called me to give me this weird cryptic warning, then? And to try to get information out of me? Hmph!
[ Because he said it himself; they'd never be friends. They could understand each other, yes, but they would never see eye to eye. He's only reaching out to find out about Abel and Himeka, and to reassure her that he would stop at nothing to pay those in Achamoth back, and nothing more - and if that's true... she has no reason at all to show him any vulnerability, any remorse, any further softness. It's simpler to think about things this way, less difficult to understand what their relationship is supposed to be if she believes he only has selfish motives in mind for this little stunt. ]
Fine, then. Don't say I didn't give you an idea of what'll happen if you come to the city.
[ And the confidence there— it's as if she has no doubt the same, or a very similar fate will befall him the more he pushes back against the Kenoma. It's only a matter of time, she thinks. ]
[ gentle, caring abel. sweet, bright himeka. and misa too, in a strange way — whether or not she notices that part of his meaning. they will never be friends, no. they're inevitably enemies. but they have...something.
a mutual understanding that can't be taken back, no matter how bad things get.
so he doesn't like hearing her exhaustion, or the sense of the way things are wearing at her. and of course they're wearing on her. hadn't she admitted that she wouldn't have handled the situation this way? that she'd warned someone they both care (or cared) about from harm? she's not heartless. neither is he. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
contacting misa had been a deliberate choice. not because he thinks she's stupid, or that he'd expect her to act against the kenoma's interests; but because he does know her heart. he does understand her. and, in a weird way, that means he extends some faint kind of trust to her. expecting anything more detailed than this answer would've been a fool's errand. but she doesn't play games with him, and she doesn't lie to him. she isn't lording the information over his head. this is as much as he could've asked for.
what do you think? — she's right, he does know. and it's terrible to think of abel and himeka alone in achamoth, pain being inflicted on them, but he can't help a faint spark of hope that they're alive. that they haven't been turned to the shadow, not that those two of all people would. (that the regent has limits in their ability to break people to their will.)
the next thing she says is troubling, in different ways. so she saw some of it? so their capture isn't a secret, which he hadn't imagined it would be, but there is...something. it's not just that abel and himeka were taken directly to the depths of some dungeon and left there. (or if they were, does he think misa would go visit them? he doesn't think he does. she'd only gone to see him out of necessity, and that'd been some distance from the regent's eyes.) but also: if she saw anything, then maybe they really are in achamoth, not carted off to light knows what secret place. what a complication that would've been. ]
I remember you telling me that Abel is your friend. [ back in venera, what's already starting to feel like a lifetime ago. this could sound like an accusation, but his tone is more like that conversation they'd had in his cell: just two people talking about how fundamentally different their choices in this world is. ] But...that's not more important to you than saving the person you love. Is that right?
no subject
Perhaps it's better that it was Abel and Himeka first, the two who had shared anything they had with her, before any of them knew what was going on. The others after this might not seem so bad. ]
That's right. Not anything.
[ A beat. ]
Not anyone.
But even then... if things went my way, they wouldn't be like this.
[ How they would be, she doesn't answer. Maybe Rand can pretend for a moment that she means that Abel and Himeka wouldn't be harmed at all, and that might be a point in her favor. But rather, the reason she doesn't clarify is because she truly, and honestly, would rather they were dead. It's what her initial, kneejerk solution was for all the Pleroma, when she first learned of this conflict. Wipe them all out, and their problems would disappear, right? But things aren't ever so simple, she's found. Despite all the blood on her hands, she sees little reason to make someone suffer the way they are, unless it's to get information, or perhaps to strike fear into other Pleroma. Other Kenoma, to keep them from defecting? Whatever the reason, she can accept it if it's the Regent's doing, though it doesn't mean it'd be her go to strategy. ]
I really did tell him to stay out of things. Because he'd get hurt... and because he was my friend. [ Past tense. A pause. ] I guess there's no point in telling you that, though.
[ Unlike with Abel, she has a sense for what lengths Rand is willing to go. Telling him how certain he is to get the same fate as Abel if he keeps swimming against the current would probably only embolden him more to challenge those in Achamoth. ]
no subject
but instead, despite misa's avowals for the regent's goals, their methods — avowals she means — she still feels something for the people she'd called friends. whatever is happening, whatever it is that she refuses to do anything about, she hasn't forgotten kindness that she was shown.
(must've been, if he knows anything of abel or himeka.)
and in a way, maybe that's not surprising. when it had been rand about to be taken to achamoth, she'd come and sit and commiserated with him. she'd offered friendship. she'd offered understanding at their differences — and their similarities. so he should've expected this. in another life, maybe they really could've been friends.
he wishes, agonizingly, that he could ask her to pass on a message. but who knows if she has access to abel and himeka anymore? and what could he possibly say? what doesn't risk the plans that are starting to be built? and what would misa really be willing to risk herself, her regent's interests, by going to share, anyway?
no. ]
I believe you.
[ that she wouldn't do this, if it were up to her. that she'd warned abel in that way. that she'd cared, or used to. ]
Before this, when we were still at that prison in Godsblood, I told Amos something. I said that if you wanted me to stop, you'd have to kill me. He didn't believe me. [ a pause. ] But I think you do.
no subject
[ Yeah, she gets it. There are some things in life worth dying for, especially when you've had the chance nearly taken away from you before. For people like them, it's not so hard, to throw your life away into the maw of something bigger, something potentially life changing. She's sure he thinks he's dedicating his life to something that'll make a difference. It's how she feels, after all.
There's an audible sigh. One of them is going to end up dead at the end of this conflict, huh? Or maybe they both will. Maybe they were always both supposed to die here, on Horos. ]
I guess that means you'll be chasing your death sooner rather than later, huh? You're still not very good at hiding things.
[ Because she can catch his drift; maybe he only meant it as a way of saying that there was no point in Misa trying to tell him to stay out of the Regent's way. But to her, given what she saw at the Regent's address, knowing that he would probably stop at nothing to get back at the Kenoma for this, in whatever way he can, it just seems impossible that he's not going to retaliate. Maybe it'll be him taking out more Achamite guards, or seeking out other Kenoma. Maybe he means to come right to Achamoth's front door. She doesn't know the exact way, but she knows he'll make himself a direct enemy to her one day, based on his tone alone. And with the reason he started this connection hanging right over them, she thinks it won't be very far off at all. ]
no subject
he wants to settle this score so badly that it's like physical pain. there's no universe in which he hears about people he cares about being taken and hurt (in the light only knows what ways), and does nothing. he'd care if it was anyone from the pleroma, but how can he not when it's abel (i'm afraid you're stuck with me) and himeka (we don't leave our friends behind)?
let misa wonder what he might do. let them keep their eyes on him, if it'll give the rest of them a better chance to do what must be done. ]
I don't have to chase something that's always with me.
[ the Power is always close at hand, and with it the dark one's corruption, the darkness that'll kill him if nothing else gets there first. ]
And I don't have much to hide from you anymore.
[ not on the personal level. she knows too much for him to lie about his most basic nature, even if she's missing a lot of the details. she understands implicitly; and so does he. the only information really worth withholding from her is what he, a pleroma, could never tell her, a kenoma. a distinction as wide and impassable as the ocean. ]
no subject
It's just... exhausting. Returning to the thoughts that the Kenoma instill in her— everything will end — come closer and closer to being comforts at times like these. ]
So you only called me to give me this weird cryptic warning, then? And to try to get information out of me? Hmph!
[ Because he said it himself; they'd never be friends. They could understand each other, yes, but they would never see eye to eye. He's only reaching out to find out about Abel and Himeka, and to reassure her that he would stop at nothing to pay those in Achamoth back, and nothing more - and if that's true... she has no reason at all to show him any vulnerability, any remorse, any further softness. It's simpler to think about things this way, less difficult to understand what their relationship is supposed to be if she believes he only has selfish motives in mind for this little stunt. ]
Fine, then. Don't say I didn't give you an idea of what'll happen if you come to the city.
[ And the confidence there— it's as if she has no doubt the same, or a very similar fate will befall him the more he pushes back against the Kenoma. It's only a matter of time, she thinks. ]
no subject
[ gentle, caring abel. sweet, bright himeka. and misa too, in a strange way — whether or not she notices that part of his meaning. they will never be friends, no. they're inevitably enemies. but they have...something.
a mutual understanding that can't be taken back, no matter how bad things get.
so he doesn't like hearing her exhaustion, or the sense of the way things are wearing at her. and of course they're wearing on her. hadn't she admitted that she wouldn't have handled the situation this way? that she'd warned someone they both care (or cared) about from harm? she's not heartless. neither is he. ]
Take care, Misa.